My Journey to Loving Myself More

I should preface this by saying- I am still a work in progress. I am still trying to love and accept myself. I think this will be something I will have to work at for the rest of my life. Especially as I move through different phases and experience more life lessons and challenges.

All my life people have told me that I lack self-esteem and confidence in myself, but no one ever told me what I needed to do to improve it. I guess at the root of all self-esteem and confidence issues, is that feeling of unworthiness and self-loathing. I have always be a very self-critical and self-conscious person. I always felt like I was never enough or I would compare myself to others. Obviously, this has never work and only ever made me feel worse about myself. So, it became apparent that I should try and like myself.

Comparison 

Whilst loving and accepting yourself starts with yourself, outside influences can really impact your confidence (well at least I know it effected mine). Especially during the age of social media, we are constantly comparing ourselves to others. We compare our bodies with pictures posted on Instagram and ones in magazines, forgetting they have been edited, photoshopped and adjusted to look a certain way. We judge our lives in comparison to other peoples, forgetting this is a curated highlight reel. I mean no one is posting pictures of them post anxiety attack, after losing their job or on their bad days. So, I started by unfollowed a lot of accounts that made me feel horrible about myself such as fashion bloggers, magazines, clothing companies and started following account that interested, empowered and motivated me. For example, I recommend @i_weigh (a movement set up my Jameela Jamil), @gabbybernstein, @anisahamat_ , @yung_pueblo, Jay Shetty and etc. I find that following these account, most of which a coaches or writers or just people in general that share honestly and authentically helps me to compare less and focus more on the positives that social media can bring. For example, a lot of the people I follow are coaches which share quotes, stories and tips for self improvement. 

Looking Inwards 

I know a big part of where the feeling of unworthiness and self loathing came from not liking myself, being ashamed of things I’d done, how I had behaved and feelings of guilt and shame. I knew I needed to heal this and do the shadow work and accept accountability for my life, my actions, thoughts and feelings. This work is difficult and requires a lot of stillness, isolation and reflection to look at all the uncomfortable parts of yourself, to see how and why they have come to be and to choose to heal this so that you can be free of this past story. To see how I did this please read my previous blog post ‘Bitterness to Betterment’ . Once I had done this work, I was able to replace these negative & harmful habits with new and better ones. 

Gratitude 

One of the habits I cultivated was practicing gratitude. We often dwell on the things that went wrong but we rarely dwell on the things that went right. We are constantly striving for more, we seldom celebrate what we have. Writing a gratitude list to appreciate the things in my life and things that happened during my day helped me shift my perspective. This alongside listing three things you are proud of yourself for achieving can turn what you thought was a bad day into a good day. Even if it was just getting up, getting showered and getting dressed. It is noticing the achievements and celebrating them, no matter how small you think they may be. You begin to feel so much happier when you begin to appreciate everything in your life and all the small moments of joy like your perfect coffee or the bird’s song or a moment in the sun. It’s about learning to cheer for yourself and cultivating happiness in the small things that help you feel happier on the inside. That happiness radiates out of you and people begin to notice.

Celebrate Yourself 

I know I have already mentioned Jameela Jamil’s I Weigh Movement but I wanted to explain why it has been significant to my journey. The movement inspires people to weigh themselves according to their accomplishments rather than just a number on a scale. This led me to write a list of all my accomplishments. Once I began to notice, process and acknowledge my achievements this made me feel like less of a failure for not achieving all the things my peers had achieved. I was not comparing my life to theirs because I understood that our journeys were different and that I should be proud of what I have overcome and achieved. It reminded me that I am successful despite feelings of unworthiness and anxiety. I reminded me that I have lived through so much, I am resilient, strong and brave and I actually admire myself for those qualities. This helped me to be able to write a list of things I liked about myself. Like I said earlier, liking yourself an achievement and is ultimately going to help you to love yourself. 

You Are What You Consume 

Like I have previously mentioned in reference to social media, comparison robs us of happiness. Equally, consuming the wrong things can prevent us from being our best selves. I had to ask myself is this serving me or hurting me? Is this helping me become the person I want to become? To heal, grow & change requires sacrifice and accountability. I recognised that binge watching my favourite TV shows (however enjoyable) and wasting hours on end scrolling social media was not helping me become the person I wanted to become. Don’t get me wrong I still do all these things from time to time, I go through waves but that’s all part of being human. It’s just that I don’t want to be like this all the time. I want to use these tools to grow. I want to seek out content that is going to self me. This is why following people I admire, listening to podcasts that inspire and watching things that bring me joy (in moderation) is important to me. 

I found that listening to motivational podcasts (Lewis Howes’ School of Greatness) and spiritual teachings by Gabrielle Bernstein, Jay Shetty, and other helped me to grow and their teachings helped me to heal, create healthy habits and allowed me to practice self compassion which I believe is key to loving yourself. If fact, after watching a Lewis’s Howes video with Marisa Peers, and as soon as I had finished it I wrote on my mirror ‘I am enough’. I began to repeat it almost every day.

Another switch I have made, is trading magazine for books about self-improvement or reading empowering poetry such as Nikita Gill’s ‘Fierce Fairytales and other stories to stir your soul’. I recently read Gabrielle Bernstein’s book ‘Judgement Detox: Release the Beliefs That Hold You Back from Living a Better Life”. This was an important tool for healing and becoming aware of self-judgement and how it made me feel. The EFT or “tapping” exercises I was aware of beforehand as I used it as a coping mechanism for my anxiety. However, using it to heal my judgement has really helped. This book as helped me notice my judgemental thoughts and the deep wounds behind them. I would recommend this book to anyone how wants to become a more loving and less judgmental person to both themselves and others.

Affirmations

Affirmations have also been a big part of changing the way I think about myself and trying to love myself more. This is because it helps to correct negative self talk and how we think about ourselves. However, in order for affirmations to work you must also cultivate how you want to feel with the affirmations. Emotions are energy in motion and emotion is what helps to fuel the affirmation into being. I will share a few with you in hopes that they will help you too. 

“I am enough”, “I am worthy”, “I am loved, loving and lovable”, I am forgiven and I am forgiving”, “I stand in my power”, “Dear Universe please help me see how loving, lovable and loved I am”, “I recognise my growth and I love myself for it”, “I recognise how loved, loving and loveable I am”, “I choose to fully and completely love and accept myself”, “I am proud of who I am becoming”, “ I am so proud of myself for healing all the beliefs that no longer serve my highest and greatest good”. 

Similarly, another practice of self-love I have started, is when putting on face cream or after a shower when I am drying myself I repeat that I love my skin and I love and appreciate my body and everything it does for me. I repeat again as I put on lotion/oil until I am done. Again affirmations, appreciate and gratitude is what shifts your attitude but you have to truly feel it. 

However, my spiritual practice was the biggest thing that helped me to love my self, forgive myself, give me confidence and help my anxiety. Without my spiritual practice, I probably would never have noticed my need to heal or change. My spiritual practice gave me an awareness and provide me with the tools and guidance I needed to heal the self-loathing. It taught me to live in the flow, to trust, to try not to control, to let go of expectation and remind me I am more than this body. Being of service gave me self -worth. Spiritual practice gave me confidence and trust in myself, my destiny and a greater power than me. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Exercise

As you may know if you’ve read my previous blog posts, I have always struggled with how a feel about my body which has impacted my happiness and prevented me to loving myself fully and completely. Believe me when I say before now, I never really enjoyed exercise or taken a particular interest in fitness. However, working out and walking has positively impacted my mental health and made me feel stronger and happier in my body. Whilst I did start it with the wrong intentions (to lose weight to feel better) it has really helped me to feel empowered in my body and confident in my body which has been the greatest achievement. It has allowed me to appreciate all that my body does for me rather than just berate it for not looking how I want it to. Big shout of to my cousin and fitness coach Danni from DC Coaching for helping me to achieve this. Without a doubt this has helped me to change my perspective on my body image. I now (for the most part) love and accept my body for all that it is. 

Self Compassion 

This was probably the single most powerful practice that created the biggest shift in my journey to loving myself more deeply and completely. This is about being understanding and forgiving, its about seeing yourself through the eyes of love, compassion, empathy and kindness. Of course accountability is important, recognising that you have control over your thoughts and actions and therefore you are responsible for them, both good and bad. This can sometimes lead us to beating ourselves up for making mistakes or bad decision, but this gets us not where. Once we take away blame, shame, guilt and itself focus on improving, growing forgiving we can shift how we perceive a situation. By practicing accountability alongside self compassion, we can help us see our mistakes as opportunities for growth. 

Hire A Coach

I recently hired a coach and it was the best decision I have every made. Hiring someone to help keep you accountable and to help give you the tools to become a better version of yourself is one of the best things you can do, especially if you are struggling or don’t know where to start. Though I started this journey in 2018, it was 2020 when I fully felt like I had achieved self love. This was because of my amazing coach Saoirse. coa Saoirse has helped me to implement all these practices and really helped me to address negative self talk and beliefs preventing me from being happy and prating self love. I can now say after such a long journey, I love myself fully and completely for the first time in a long time. Obviously I have moments when I don’t feel great about myself but I still love myself and who I have become and for me that is the ultimate goal. Progress not perfection. 

Thank you for reading. I really hope this helps you with your journey to loving and accepting yourself because you deserve it. Simply existing means that you are enough, exactly as you are. You are enough therefore you are worthy. I hope you know that you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved. But most of all you deserve your own love and affection.