The Path Back Home To Self

I share a lot with you all, especially about healing. I think it’s important to be open and to share our experiences as it gives others permission to do the same and could help them in ways we could not imagine.

I’ve had a few revelations after listening to an Expanded podcast episode by To Be Magnetic featuring Atarah Valentine, one of their previous coaches. One of the qualities he was working to heal was how he constantly needed validation. Atarah recognised that he felt shame and fear around revealing his healing journey around feeling seen and heard. These are some things I myself continue to struggle with. So, to combat this, Atarah forced himself to share every part of the healing journey with the world. He said once he realised that actually no one cared it was liberating for himself and he stopped worrying or ruminating on what others thought of him. He no longer needed their validation or approval. I have been secretly searching, seeking and wanting validation. I see that now. Perhaps the inner child part of myself that sometimes felt neglected, not heard or seen (through no fault of my parents) who did the best they could with what they knew during some very difficult times. I also recognise my need to carefully curate what I share with you all. I am reluctant to speak about things I feel a sense of vulnerability or shame around.  And, I don’t often share what I have been going through until I’ve had time to sit, process and make sense of it.  However after listening to this podcast, I felt the need to share more openly with you all how I have been feeling and what I have been working through. 

Slowly and persistently I have tried to shed the layers, I’ve achingly chipped away at the programming, the walls, the defences in hopes it would reveal the root of it all. Hoping that each shedding would be the last. I know that healing requires commitment, an understanding that it's a constant process, though secretly I had hoped that after trying each new modality I would be healed and I could finally be free to live my life in the present moment. 

Recently, I have been witnessing myself, stuck ridgid, afraid. I feel like a cage bird or perhaps a better way to describe it is like a person covered in layers of plaster. Unmoving, stuck and weighed down under hundreds of levels of shame, grief, unworthiness. Experiencing feelings and holding beliefs that I am unlovable, undeserving, not enough, that there is something wrong with me. Asking myself why can’t I be “normal”? Why can I not be spontaneous, wild, confident and free?  That's what I want, I want to be free, I want to flow, I want to feel expanded, empowered and confident within me. 

To add to that, I have noticed a deep disconnect from my physical body, I have an inability to stay present within it. I end up disassociating or intellectualising rather than just giving myself permission to feel.  I now know this to be connected to hypervigilance as discussed in last week’s blog post. My relationship with my body is well documented, I have previously explained my feelings of shame, embarrassment and disgust (at times) I held/ hold towards my body. But it is  my inability to feel present and connect  to my body that I have felt called to heal presently as it means that I cannot be present or allow others to connect with my body either. How can I invite in a conscious partner or relationship if I cannot connect with myself? 

Recently, I have grown exhausted and frustrated with myself and my healing journey, forgetting it is indeed a never ending  journey rather than a finish line. Over the years I have tried many modalities of healing counselling, therapy, CBT, hypnosis,coaching, inner child healing, emotion code and reiki of which have served their purpose.  Each modality helped me to shed another layer, to help me get closer to my authentic self - letting go of limiting beliefs, conditioning, stories I have been holding onto. Whilst most of these modalities deal with healing the energetic, emotional, or psychological body. As I mentioned recently I have been called to heal my physical body. 

We all know that feeling is healing so in an attempt to gain control over my body and to feel confident and empowered, I embarked upon my latest healing escapade, somatic healing. For those who do not know, somatic healing is a body focused healing therapy.  Often classed as an alternative therapy aimed at treating trauma and stressor related disorders like PTSD. Somatic techniques are used when an individual is having a difficult time controlling the tension and discomfort of their muscles. It is the result of memories or traumatic experiences that have been repressed and forgotten about consciously – although the subconscious has yet to deal with the experience. The body remembers that which we do not, as they say, the body keeps the score. The purpose of such treatments is to release trauma from the body. The therapy requires the person to check in with their body—just observe what they're feeling, what they're noticing in their bodies, allowing the body to take the lead, which is something I have rarely allowed. Usually I lead with my head, (intellectualising again). 

My first session was interesting because I had no idea what to expect. I hadn’t really done too much research. I heard a few podcasts that spoke highly of the therapy and I just followed my intuition to help guide me in finding a practitioner. It felt very strange and weird at first. I couldn’t even connect enough to know where or how my body wanted to move. I began with tuning into where there was discomfort (my left shoulder) bringing awareness to it and feeling how I needed to move it. It felt like it needed stretching at first then before I knew it I began to make movements. I can only really describe it as a form of interpretive dance. In an attempt to feel more embodied we must first release the things that keep us from this. Allowing our body to play out the trauma like it is telling a story of what it endured, what happened to it, to us. This was just my first session, I plan to have more when I can commit to regularly having them. 

It was and still is uncomfortable to confront these feelings, emotions and experiences. But, I was reminded that if we don’t do the work, we will continue to allow these old stories to run our present day reality and ultimately our future. Showing up for ourselves by doing the work to heal no matter how difficult and slow the process is, gives us the knowledge and freedom to choose who we want to be, to show up differently. The ultimate goal of doing this work is to allow ourselves to show up authentically as whole, complete, empowered and loving versions of ourselves. We must only be willing to go the distance, to commit and keep committing to be the best version of ourselves and to do everything in our power to become our authentic selves. 

With this in mind, I will leave you with the quote Gabby Bernstein. “My willingness to see beyond a world of limitations allowed me to begin the process of stepping into a better future. That willingness is what allowed me to heal myself so that I could help others heal and make an impact on the world. But before I could embrace a new vision for my life I had to face the wounds of my past that were keeping me down…In retrospective I can see how spirit was guiding me every step of the way, every therapist, yoga teacher, spiritual book or healer was divinely planted into my life at the exact moments I needed them in order to take the next steps on my journey. It was all divine guidance”. 

Affirmation: I witness the resistant part of myself and I am willing to feel empowered and confident in my body 

Note: you can change the affirmation to suit your needs:  I witness the resistant part of myself and I am willing to feel _________

With love, 

Talesha x